Here I Am Being Vulnerable

I rather eat bricks than be vulnerable, yet here I am. I graduated university in December and ever since then I've had a lot of time to reflect. Too much time. It's been the darkest season of my life thus far. That's not something I wanted to share, especially on the internet, but I'm doing it.  It's happening. This isn't the first time I try to start a blog. Every few years I'll write something up and post it, then I freak out and delete it. This post may or may not be an exception.

Drawing is my comfort zone. It's safe. I've focused on the technical aspect of the craft and gave little thought and explanation to the content of the art. It wasn't until I was put in the situation to create a body of work did I realize that there was something under the images I drew. My unresolved traumas, insecurities, opinions, and who knows what else. Making and talking about my art got uncomfortable. I didn’t know it at the time and I couldn’t articulate it, so I ignored the discomfort I was feeling. I had over simplified answers for my artistic choices and that was that. I was focused on getting that diploma and making that easy and painless slide into adulthood.

Right after graduation I applied to many different full-time art positions. I did not get a single interview. I revamped my resume quite a few times and broadened my search to include graphic design and marketing positions. Still nothing. The little bits of hope and optimism that I left college with didn’t last me long. Within a few weeks I was in the deep trenches of depression.

I left university with a decent portfolio. I have to constantly remind myself that it is good work to be proud of, but there is a buzzing in the back of my head that tells me that I could have done better. Had I done better I wouldn’t be in this position where I’m floundering around in life and crying all the time. This buzzing is an over-critical and shame filled part of me. It beats me down and feeds the depression. The depression feeds the anxiety and suddenly I’m paralyzed.

For the past nine months I’ve been reading, listening to lectures, and seeing a therapist to resolve past traumas, gain a better understanding of myself and find my purpose. I hate being so vulnerable and lost. I hope by being open with my experiences on this blog platform that it will allow me to be vulnerable and honest in person and in my art. I have tons of sketches and thumbnails of illustrations that I know would be great if only I had the confidence to share them.

Here is an illustration I did last week about pulling teeth. That is what writing this post felt like to me. Until next time.

 

Blanca JimenezComment