Fate, Nihilism, and Aliens

It’s been a hot minute since I posted something on here. I think I just got scared with my increasing vulnerability and the traction of the blog. I didn’t handle it as I thought I would. I got obsessed with trying to figure out who exactly was reading my thoughts and reading and re-reading my posts to piece together who knows what and what they must think of me now. My response to all that was to hide and not create anything for a month. Go figure.

Anyways I been thinking a lot about fate and destiny. Is everything that is supposed to be happening, happening? I think so. Well, I think that most of the time.  

A few months back I matched with someone on Tinder whom I had been friends with and had a crush on in junior college. We had lost touch and I was kicking myself for not pursuing it when I had the chance. So, when it was a “match” I was smitten. I messaged him “Hi” and he messaged back “It must be fate”. “It must be!” I replied. In that half second, I was already thinking if I was going to take his last name when we get married until he messaged me: “No, it’s not fate. Destiny doesn’t exist. Everything is random,” and some other nihilist shit. He continued to message me in disdain and explain to me how I wasn’t his type at all. I was devastated.

That wasn’t the first time someone talked down to me specifically because of the beliefs I carry.  I believe that ghosts are real, there is an afterlife, everyone is led by spirit guides, dreams are important, aliens are out there, tarot is legitimate and all that other new age occult hoopla. It gets to me sometimes, the fact that the general public categorizes me as a crazy. When I was younger I did spend my time with people who would openly mock me and made me the punch line to the jokes. I did play along and laugh to it, I can still do that now, but honestly it hurt. I walked around thinking that I was legitimately mentally unwell but so lucky to have these “normal” people talk to me and give me the light of day. I was in that headspace just a few weeks ago.

I get embarrassed when I get asked what am I doing with my life. I don’t have much to say. I work 3rd shift stocking shelves, I think about pictures and drawing these pictures, I listen to podcasts about ghosts and psychics and I sometimes watch cartoons and stand up comedy. I compare myself to others via social media and I get myself into a loop of shame and self-loathing. I think that I should be jumping into a stable career right about now, something with numbers and health insurance. I think that I should be planning to get married and have kids within a few years here. I should be really strapping myself to some hardcore adult responsibilities. I should stop with my shenanigans of thinking about aliens and drawing surreal dreamscapes. I get into these thought loops that can last days. I think about how I’m not that guy’s type and how destiny doesn’t exist and how life is pointless! I think these things until the self-loathing shakes off me, I come to my senses and I just start to feel sad for him and the other people who look at me with pity.

No way in hell I want to live that 9-5, paper shuffling, living for the weekend life. How can people be happy going through life not believing that they know all there is to know and there is nothing greater out there, not at all curious or open to the unknown. I think it was fate when I matched with that boy. I stopped holding a candle for him and playing “what if”. I don’t got time for that.

It’s been a year now since I graduated and I’m tired of the whiplash I give myself from trying to live authentic to myself and then getting wrapped up in what others must think of me. I want to not care anymore, and I mostly don’t care anymore. But I feel it is what holds me back a lot of the time. It’s been a hard year, and I’ll get into that more in another post, but I believe that everything that happened is exactly what needed to happen.

Here is something I like to look at often to remind myself that art is all that I have ever and will ever know. I just have to keep moving forward in my destiny.

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Blanca Jimenez